Everything I Am
by Moonsetta
Summary: Five years later, he still waits in the rain…for a brother…


I don't own TMNT.

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The bright lights of the tall skyscrapers behind the being were of little importance. All that mattered was a future moment. He was certain that one day he'd sit upon that rooftop and he'd get to see _him_. Every night he came here, sat on the edge of the roof, entangled his hands in the blue mask and waited. Everyone said it was useless, that _he _wasn't coming back. He was glad for the heavy downpour, no one could see he was crying. The lone soul was frozen at a point. He wasn't angry, but he wasn't grieving. He decided that he would grieve and yell and scream when everything was right again.

Thunder crashed over head and he winced. That he was scared of. He never said anything to anyone about his apathetic fear but _he _had always known. Glancing at the shifting shadows he crossed his arms and let them rest on his knees as he leaned forward. After a long minute he allowed his head to fall forward until his mouth was pressed against his arm. Then, and only then did he dare scream. Only the raindrops heard the wail of torture and he was glad.

He had always been stubborn. He had refused to give up. He glanced up at a moving shadow but shook his head. No, it couldn't be. His thoughts were confirmed when a raccoon jumped from behind a cardboard box and scurried across the street below. Every night no shadow crept into the light. Would _he _return if he was scared? Yes. _He _always held honor high, above many other things, including his life. He would follow bushido, keep his honor until the death.

**Death-**

The word stabbed and stung at the figure now soaked by both the rain and his tears. Occasionally, he would allow his arm to slip away the smallest distance and listen to himself scream. It would only ever last a few seconds before he slapped his arm back over his mouth. He couldn't get discovered on the rooftop. If he did he would have to run and he could never come back here. That was a reality he couldn't live with. He closed his eyes for a long tortuous second before he opened them once again and allowed his gaze to travel slowly over the rooftop. Many cracks and loose slabs of the concrete laid as still as coffins over their graves. Then, one single crack in the rooftop made his gaze freeze.

He couldn't look at it without remembering, without feeling the sorrow. Part of him liked that sorrow though. Part of him wanted to feel that sadness, that pain, simply because it was something. Numbness was most of his life. He had become immune to what once drove his emotions. When his baby brother cried at the memories he never comforted him. Maybe he didn't want to feel the emotions brought from the memories or maybe he didn't want the burden on his shoulder, being the one that was expected to fix them.

Yes, his purple masked immediate younger brother fixed physical injuries and machines but he couldn't fix souls or convert emotions. He was drowning in his own guilt and sorrow while making attempts to be strong. Never, never should this have happened. A bolt of lightning momentarily brightened up the world but he remained in the shadows. _He _had liked shadows. Maybe if he stayed here he would see him. After another roll of thunder, he winced and reached beside him. The cool and smooth surface or a bottle chilled his hand. With little thought he scooped it up and drunk deep.

"_Raphael put that down this instant!"_

Raph smiled as the voice echoed in his mind. So many times he had been yelled at by _him. _He did it simply to hear his voice. Something in those eyes had been so permanent, it had been a promise of constancy. Life with constancy seemed, so simple. Something you rarely thought about. Of course, not everything is constant.

Life, isn't constant.

He took another drink and smiled more at the ringing voice.

"_Stop it Raphael you're being reckless and stupid!"_

Yeah, that was why. When he was stupid, when he made mistakes, he could hear the voice, radiating out of the air around him, as if _he _was still nearby. After a third drink the voice faded and he growled. He threw the bottle over the side. It only ever worked a few times with each new thing. The lecture never lasted, but now he wanted it to. He wanted to hear the voice scolding him. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, allowing his hearing and sense of smell to sharpen. No one was around.

It was in the dead of night like this he let his head face skyward and allowed his voice to whisper the name, a name he'd cursed in the past but admitted he loved all too often lately.

"Leonardo," he whispered, "Leo-"

It was there his voice cracked he buried his head in his arms, one slapped over his mouth to silence the screams. Long after the rain said goodbye and the wind fell to the ground he sighed and grinded his teeth together, trying to hold in a scream. Then, a siren in the distance went off, like every morning. It was a signal for workers to check in for work at the construction center nearby. It was only when that noise rang out that he allowed himself to scream. Oh, and scream he did. He timed the siren and found it allowed him to scream for a good three minutes. He used every second of those few minutes to release the sorrow he refused to show at any other time.

After the scream he breathed heavily before letting his hands fall to his sides. He opened his eyes and gazed at the sunset. Then he allowed himself to pray while gazing at the slight yellow hue that faded into the darkness of the receding night.

"Wherever you are Leo, know I love you, big brother," he whispered.

He sat stone still, closed his eyes and listened to the wind that rose slightly. He could hear the whisper again.

"_Know I love you too Raphael, little brother."_

The voice on the wind, that's all _he _was now. With a heavy heart that would shatter with the slightest touch he took a deep breath, ready to head home. Maybe he could accept it today, maybe not. Maybe he never would but maybe…maybe he needed to and maybe a few others needed him to as well.

Another deep breath and he switched his mind to his, remaining family. They were waiting for him.

"_Raphael…"_

Raph smiled, he loved when the voice just suddenly came out of no where. It gave him the strength he needed. Then, came the normal prickling feeling in his heart. It didn't matter what happened on earth, _he _was still with them. Something slightly brushed his hand and for a moment he let himself believe that all was possible. In that moment, very little separated the living from the afterlife. Nothing broke that connection they had. A new strength supporting his heart he allowed himself a last gaze across the city. Then, came the brush across his hand again.

He glanced down at his hand.

Nothing but the air.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes yet again. Then came the feeling of a brush across his hand again. This time, something rested on his hand and he smiled. If only he could recount the rest of his brother. His mind could only build a small picture of what used to be.

"Raphael…"

He froze. The voice, it was usually so soft and hard to imagine but it was so clear…

He looked down again as his breaths became difficult to take. A perfect grassy green hand was resting on top of his pale green skin that used to be such a dark green shade before it had happened. When someone else's breath glided across the back of his skull it was then that his heart shattered, but not into pieces. The outer wall broke apart and a new heart bloomed. A heart, so strong, so much stronger than before. When another hand encircled and rested on his plastron he knew. He **knew. **

It was when life revealed a miracle that he let himself fall and burst into tears.

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I just had a lot of ice cream! I blame the sugary goodness! Yes I'm currently hyper!

Well, a review please?

Singing: I want Cheetos!

~Moonsetta


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